I slept twelve hours last night. I am working through understanding whether my sleep is overindulgent, lazy and depressed or healthy, gentle and healing. I've always struggled with perceptions of sleep and my relationship with it. My choice at this moment is to see sleep as a deeply restorative practice during this transition (especially after my first Bikram Yoga class).
To complement that deep restoration, I am finding it important to do a few things each day that are stimulating: meditation whether moving or still, physical exercise (Bikram, hiking, moving a U-haul full of personal effects from Sacramento to Sonoma), clean eating, reading and writing. All of this with gentle awareness- with full breathing, with gratitude and appreciation.
... so, today, I did move the rest of my material possessions (save a few things I left for my mama) from Sacramento to Sonoma. Ringing in my head as I drove away was the idea that nothing is left for me in Sacramento except for walls with a roof and a job from which I am transitioning. It feels empty and it echoes in Sacramento. There are a few friendships there, but this saying from an unknown author haunts me while I discern the direction of those friendships: "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do." So, it echoes and it is haunting... it is the shell of what I thought life was supposed to be.
I listened to Aloe Blacc on the ride home and this lyric from this song spoke to me:
Mama, hold my hand
I don't think I can cross this road by myself
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
My First Bikram Yoga Class
My breath, a mirror, and sweat (everywhere). I have been hearing about Bikram Yoga for sometime and was more interested after reading Just Here. Just Now.
After taking a slow flow class this morning where my monkey mind was racing, I realized - it just came to me like truth bubbling up from the source - that I would attend a Bikram Yoga class this afternoon. After my flow class, I drove to the Bikram Yoga studio in town and saw that yes, of course (thank you, Universe!), there was a class this afternoon. I went home and started drinking water (not enough...)
Nada has created such a wonderful community and environment - it felt right from the moment I walked up and saw the half wine barrels painted lavender. Beautiful. Inviting. She is a clear, direct communicator and I knew I would be guided through my first Bikram Yoga experience in a safe, disciplined way. I feel good - I successfully stayed in a 105 degree room (is that right?) for ninety minutes without puking or passing out. The community held me -- Nada addressed my "first time" experiences and one fellow student said "stay". And I did. With each breath.
It was a gift, actually, to find a state of dizziness and do the thing that was most kind to myself - I sat. I stayed with my breath. I didn't judge myself. I tried to get up a number of times, but the spinning feeling met me halfway up each time. And so I sat. I stayed with my breath, one breath at a time, through the nose (not the mouth, though I wanted to gasp a number of times).
The variety of students - all beautiful - was an inspiration. Young and supple to mature and careful.
I am learning a great lesson in life right now about stillness and healing - and this Bikram Yoga class was an experience perfectly aligned to the idea of being exactly, imperfectly who I am, without apology.
I'm going back tomorrow.
Also, I love my mom so much. She is the most amazing caregiver and doesn't even realize it.
After taking a slow flow class this morning where my monkey mind was racing, I realized - it just came to me like truth bubbling up from the source - that I would attend a Bikram Yoga class this afternoon. After my flow class, I drove to the Bikram Yoga studio in town and saw that yes, of course (thank you, Universe!), there was a class this afternoon. I went home and started drinking water (not enough...)
Nada has created such a wonderful community and environment - it felt right from the moment I walked up and saw the half wine barrels painted lavender. Beautiful. Inviting. She is a clear, direct communicator and I knew I would be guided through my first Bikram Yoga experience in a safe, disciplined way. I feel good - I successfully stayed in a 105 degree room (is that right?) for ninety minutes without puking or passing out. The community held me -- Nada addressed my "first time" experiences and one fellow student said "stay". And I did. With each breath.
It was a gift, actually, to find a state of dizziness and do the thing that was most kind to myself - I sat. I stayed with my breath. I didn't judge myself. I tried to get up a number of times, but the spinning feeling met me halfway up each time. And so I sat. I stayed with my breath, one breath at a time, through the nose (not the mouth, though I wanted to gasp a number of times).
The variety of students - all beautiful - was an inspiration. Young and supple to mature and careful.
I am learning a great lesson in life right now about stillness and healing - and this Bikram Yoga class was an experience perfectly aligned to the idea of being exactly, imperfectly who I am, without apology.
I'm going back tomorrow.
Also, I love my mom so much. She is the most amazing caregiver and doesn't even realize it.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
True Self
In an effortless act to re-present myself authentically, without 'trying' to be something, I've decided to share via this blog.
Blogging in general seems to imply that I'm going to have more to say than can be captured in a Facebook update or a tweet (here's 140 characters flyin' at ya..)
But rather than having something to say,
I think it's more along the lines of having something to reveal. Something really simple: me.
Of course, I'm sitting here nearly paralyzed trying to figure out what will be interesting to read.. in this world of mass content. That's always it - say something that will draw others in, engage them..
Instead, for my own selfish reasons, I think I'll just say what is -- as a practice of being instead of doing.
Blogging in general seems to imply that I'm going to have more to say than can be captured in a Facebook update or a tweet (here's 140 characters flyin' at ya..)
But rather than having something to say,
I think it's more along the lines of having something to reveal. Something really simple: me.
Of course, I'm sitting here nearly paralyzed trying to figure out what will be interesting to read.. in this world of mass content. That's always it - say something that will draw others in, engage them..
Instead, for my own selfish reasons, I think I'll just say what is -- as a practice of being instead of doing.
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